Drive me Crazy, Up the Wall
by Ralindir
Summary: Angeline Fowl takes in a girl orphaned by the 2005 Tsunami. Artemis, on holiday in Thailand, is the first in the family to meet her. What sort of person will he find? NOT OCArty. Not sure about any slashes yet.


Drive me crazy, up the wall

By Adaia Swordmaiden

Disclaimer: Artemis isn't mine, however much I would like him to be…But it's just wrong that he belongs to Colfer! shudders

**Chapter 1: Emails and volume dials**

_Dear Arty,_

_This is only a quick note as your father and I are in a hurry to go to one of his spa appointments. I hope you are enjoying your visit to Thailand. We have received word that a relative of ours is in Phuket, Thailand, orphaned after the recent tsunami. We are her only living relatives and so I have agreed to take in the poor girl. She will be flying back to Ireland with you._

_I'm afraid I must go, so I'll send you another email closer to your flight concerning where Alanna is staying._

_Love,_

_Mother_

Artemis thought of the email his mother had sent him and a scowl flickered on and off his face. As it was, he couldn't see how his mother had just decided to take in the girl. But now he would have to contend with a stranger in the household. Hopefully Juliet would be able to keep her busy. He quickly expelled the thoughts, however, as he continued to wander along the crowded road. Butler followed, barely a step behind his charge, continually looking around for threats. Such a crowded place put Butler's nerves on edge, even more so than they usually would. Even since his little 'accident' with Arno Blunt, he was slower and at least ten years older. Artemis stopped to absentmindedly flip through a few velvet paintings – scenes of typical Thai fishing villages painted onto dark-blue velvet backgrounds – before picking one out.

"Mother will like this," he said, voicing his thoughts aloud. He pulled out his wallet and gave the Thai lady who was operating the festival stall 200 baht. She raised her hand to indicate that the price was twenty baht more but then hesitated as she glanced at Butler. Nevertheless, Artemis pulled another 20 baht out of his wallet. "Thank you." The Thai lady smiled, bowing slightly as she took the money. She took the velvet painting and rolled it up before sealing it in a cardboard tube, closed at each end with masking tape. Butler took the cardboard roll and slid it into his backpack.

"Khawp khun khrap," he said before the two moved on, bodyguard and principle. They stopped at a road that ran through the festival, waiting for the traffic to stop so that they could pass. There was a break in the traffic but no-one crossed yet- another motorbike was coming. With a whoop, a girl ran past Butler and across the road only metres in front the motorbike. She laughed as she disappeared into the crowd. Artemis shook his head as he and Butler crossed the road.

"Idiotic," he muttered and his thoughts flickered back to his 'relative' Alanna, wondering what she would be like. Sensible, and reasonably smart? Or perhaps an idiot, taking risks all the time. He shook his head again. He was going to enjoy the festival. Well at least as much as a genius could.

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Artemis sighed as he climbed out of the rental car and walked towards the house. 29/27 he read on the rickety tin letterbox. He paused and looked up to see a girl staring out the window, down at him. Then she disappeared and, as Artemis and Butler reached the door, she appeared there. She stood behind the screen door with the iron grating across the front, staring out at them through wide, dark-blue eyes. The exact shade as Artemis'. Her carrot-red hair was tangled and looked as though it hadn't been brushed for the past few days.

"Hello," Artemis said, feeling slightly uncomfortable under her gaze. "I am Artemis Fowl. Are you Alanna?" The girl nodded and suddenly reached down and there was a clanking noise. Then the screen door opened and they saw that there was a large bolt on the door.

"Come on in," Alanna said, her voice emotionless, turning and heading for a room in the back. "The woman looking after me- she's just gone over to Chili Pub to get some lunch." Artemis sat down at the table and looked around. The room had a low ceiling and Butler hurriedly sat down behind Artemis. Alanna came out of the back room again. "D'you want something to drink?"

"Tea," Artemis said. "Please," he added after a soft jab in the back by Butler. "Milk, no sugar."

"Kay-kay," Alanna said and looked at Butler. "What about you?"

"I'm fine," he said with a smile. She shrugged and disappeared back into the room. A few minutes later she returned carrying a mug of tea, a carton of pineapple juice and a glass. Artemis took the tea and took a sip.

"So," Alanna said, pouring herself a glass of juice. "You guys are my long-lost relatives?" She glanced at Butler. "Who're you- his dad?"

"His bodyguard. Butler," the huge man said, biting back a smile.

"Oookay," the girl said. "And we fly out- when?"

"This evening," Artemis said. Trust his mother to only get an email out to him at the last second.

"Aw shit," Alanna swore. "I gotta go get my stuff ready." She sprang up and dashed up the stairs two at a time. Artemis looked at Butler.

"She's…odd," he said. Butler bit back a smile. The sounds of banging ensued upstairs and finally Alanna emerged, dragging a suitcase, a backpack and a clipboard, all of which looked like they were at the point of bursting open. Just then a car pulled up in the driveway and a woman got out. She hurried inside when she saw Artemis and Butler.

"Oh, are you Lana's relatives?" she asked. Artemis nodded. The woman turned to Alanna. "I'll send on your other things as soon as you send me an address, okay?" Alanna nodded and the woman hugged her. "I'll miss you but I'm glad you're with family now." Alanna didn't say a word. She barely made a move to return the hug; she just stared at the wall unblinkingly.

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Alanna slid into the back of the rental car before fishing out her MP3 player and an FM transmitter. Then she tapped Butler on the shoulder.

"Could you put this on the stereo?" she asked. Butler glanced at Artemis, who shrugged, before taking the player. He plugged the player into the transmitter and then the transmitter into the cigarette lighter. Alanna leaned forwards and turned the player on. She flicked through the songs before settling on one. Artemis winced slightly as a Black Eyed Peas song started playing loudly and reached to turn down the volume. One he had finished fiddling with the dial, the song was barely audible. Without a word, Alanna reached forwards and turned it back up again. Struggling now to maintain his cool façade, Artemis turned it back down. Alanna turned it back up. Artemis turned it back down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up.

"Would you stop it?" Artemis snapped, suddenly turning to glare at Alanna.

"Would you stop it?" she snapped back in a fair, if not perfect, imitation of his voice, mirroring his glare.

"Don't mimic me!" Artemis said, his voice rising. Alanna dropped the glare and smirked. "What?"

"Your face is pink," she said, nodding at him. He stared at her minute and then turned back to face forwards. Subconsciously, he glanced at the small mirror on the flipped-down sunshade. His face _was_ slightly pinker than normal. A scowl came onto his face. She was getting to his nerves.

**A/N: **there, my first try at an Artemis Fowl fic. This will be slow in updating as I'm trying to get my butt into gear with my other fics but I'll keep it updated as often as possible. Don't ask me why I decided to put this up. It was a random idea. Anyway…Review, dear peoples! BTW, the song she was playing was Labor (It's a Holiday). It is the only BEP song that I have heard and didn't like. Lana doesn't like it that much either- she just wanted to see how easily she could annoy Arty. Once again, Review, dear peoples!


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